Attention: There's a Carousel in Leicester Square

Oh my freaking buggering stars!
Have I been on the planet Mars?
They've erected a massive carousel
in Leicester Square so what the hell?
Are you down to pick a winning horse
cause I'm ready as ready of course
with a bottle of Cristal whenever you want
to go with me on an adventurous haunt
so we can ride the rides in style with a glass,
a smidge for the sake of going with class.

The Weather Mane Spins Faster and Faster

Come with me and you will find
a piece of a glorious, fabulous mind
and all the historic stats that you can mine
posted online with a bottle of shine
in a bag full of milestones I'm ready to skip
like the ping pong ball I want to rip
past your head which elicits a giggle
the moment you savour the hula hoop wiggle
over the neck and then down the spine
while holding a fine vintage glass of wine
which you will successfully master
with the weather mane spinning faster and faster.

29 Candles on the Birthday Cake

On the seventeenth day at the seventeenth hour
I'll put on the kettle and begin to scour
my wardrobe full of nothing to wear
but turbans, tiaras and clip-on hair
which will prove quite useful come this Halloween
when we're posing for the magazine
I've longed to be in all my life
with Jason, Freddy and a butcher knife
balancing a slice of birthday cake
for me to nibble with a yellow snake
draped round back from arm to arm
with an exotic dazzling Indian charm
dangling right in between my eyes
as the birthday song begins to rise
from the glossiest gothic berry lips
framed by velvet hair on skeleton hips
with silver tinkling dancing feet
presenting a fiery birthday treat. 

I Love Me Some Expensive Jams

I crouch way down onto the balls of my feet
Looking for something good to eat
in the dodgy healthy boxed milk aisle
and privately eyeball this gluten-free style
of corn flakes that's on sale today
Aren't the normal ones made from corn anyway?
And how about this jam, what is the deal?
The price is tempting me to steal
a luxurious treasure for me to spread
at home, on hot, toasty buttered bread.
A knock at the door gave me heart palpitations
knowing I'd let down these two great nations
who both have my fingerprints on file
and have seen the cctv of me in the aisle
investigating my theory at great expense
how a jam could cost six pound ninety pence.

Dumpster Diving

Darling, whenever you come near
a thousand angels begin to cheer
like raucous fans at a Dodger's game
my tongue springs forward with a name
for glowing, tender cannibal eyes
not like ordinary guys.
You want to go diving into tips
after a lonesome empty bag of crisps?
Sitting and waiting for you on the bench
I worship this moment... even the stench.

La Rinascente

Please don't ever join the legions
of people from across the regions
who season the air with question marks
and finger quotes with snide remarks
my sensibilites would deny
me taking this martini dry
and splashing it across your tie
so I can laugh and tell my friends about it.
It would be hilarious.

Tube Works

The humble lonely calling spread
that followed me into my bed
at night it sat and watched me sleep
like a wiry peeping creep
including without limitation
horrifying information
about the pending tube congestion
I would have braved without suggestion
otherwise.

A Lovely World

Welcome to a lovely world
where my hair is always curled
the way I want it to be styled
like in my pictures as a child
which didn't last long, I must admit from the computer where I sit.

London Bridge

I walked across the London Bridge
and faced a troll under the ridge
right by where the mayor works
and faces off with city jerks
who seem more pauper than the regal
manner of those preps in legal.

Giving compliments to strangers

On the way to work
I often lurk
at a streetcorner shadow in the rain.

As my victim approaches
the feeling encroaches
and spreads across my face once again.

I like what I see
and know it could be
a glimpse of my new fashion rival.

So I dart from position
and make it a mission
to compliment a pretty thing on arrival.

The flash of horror-
when I ask from which store-
I might find such a clever piece of cuteness...

Is a humourous twist
on the chance that I missed
to compliment a complete stranger's astuteness.

Special K Red Berries

Could it really possibly be
that they invented a cereal just for me?
A pretty girl is on the box
I must admit she's quite a fox.
And If I eat this twice a day
supposedly I can be this way
and work a dress, but not just that-
I'll drop about fifty pounds of fat
and find a man...it won't stop there
it will even help me grow my hair!

I can see her walking down the street
strutting to an awesome beat.
Just thankful that her Special K
has put her in those jeans today.
Who does that woman think she is
to outlaw flab and banish frizz?
Oh here she comes, she thinks she's fly
I'm going to glare when she comes by
for as far as my angry eye can see-
I take it back, it's only me!

Dinner with Important Clients

Late last night I hit a snare
when on my plate I found a hair
that clearly did not belong to me-
horsey coarse and silvery.

It would be like- impolite
to yak in front of guests, alright.
To show that I'm the cultured wife
I just put down my fork and knife.

Decisions, Decisions

I see a rip
below the zip
and I'm wondering what it means.

Am I gaining weight
at a steady rate
or do I need a new pair of jeans?

I heard somewhere
that a denim tear
is quite fashionable these days.

So shall I starve
for my trip to Algarve
or set those devil jeans ablaze?

Bean and Cheese Tacos for the Plane Ride Home

The clock is summoning day to night
which means I'll be on a long-haul flight
for fifteen hours of sheer delight
just knowing that I have a secret.

I smuggled it in a paper sack
knowing there would be no turning back
I stood up straight and faced security
denying that the lack of obscurity
in my smile could have blown my cover.

The officer gave me chilling news
and asked me to remove my shoes.
The future was looking pretty bleak-
a lonesome tear rolled down my cheek
because the floor looked really dirty.

The Xray man was not much fun
when I asked him where he got his gun
in a friendly banter that's not illegal-
They brought over the snoopy beagle
and then I knew I was really in for it.

After the blatant display of authority
my place- among the braver minority
of people who go to a good deal of trouble
to smuggle in a vegetarian double
order of bean and cheese tacos- has been established.

The Dollar Store

My favorite place is the dollar store.
It always leaves me wanting more
bits of crap I do not need
and trashy rags I'll never read.

As I came lurching toward the queue
my reflection sadly came into view
with a change of heart that came careening
down the aisle and hit the ceiling
above the handsome jelly ice
that I could have served in the shape of mice
had not the voice of my better half
reminded me that it was naff
and said we'd come back another day-
to put it down and step away.

Views From Across a London River

Welcome to a Secret Closet
Where the young at heart deposit
Time well-spent it's such a treasure
Extending past what hearts can measure.

I pop up up for every season
To show you that the only reason
For hosting this silly inquisition
Without the sordid imposition
Of suffering fools gladly
Whilst calling them out and loving madly
The views from across a London river
I tried my best to hand deliver
But please let me know if you don't agree!

xx
Wondrawoman