I Love Me Some Expensive Jams

I crouch way down onto the balls of my feet
Looking for something good to eat
in the dodgy healthy boxed milk aisle
and privately eyeball this gluten-free style
of corn flakes that's on sale today
Aren't the normal ones made from corn anyway?
And how about this jam, what is the deal?
The price is tempting me to steal
a luxurious treasure for me to spread
at home, on hot, toasty buttered bread.
A knock at the door gave me heart palpitations
knowing I'd let down these two great nations
who both have my fingerprints on file
and have seen the cctv of me in the aisle
investigating my theory at great expense
how a jam could cost six pound ninety pence.

Dumpster Diving

Darling, whenever you come near
a thousand angels begin to cheer
like raucous fans at a Dodger's game
my tongue springs forward with a name
for glowing, tender cannibal eyes
not like ordinary guys.
You want to go diving into tips
after a lonesome empty bag of crisps?
Sitting and waiting for you on the bench
I worship this moment... even the stench.